200 lbs Flat

       This morning I woke up late and, wrapped in a blanket, walked to the scale. It was that time; I'd been eating healthy all week and was really looking for that number to generate on the screen. My breath wasn't coming in tight gasps, as it did in a time before I had made friends with the scale. But there was still an energy of expectation, of hope, and of nervousness.

       When I weigh myself, I stare very closely at my face in the mirror above the scale; making eye contact with the person I'm learning to love and giving them a pep talk about self worth in the time it takes for the numbers to calculate. Taking a deep breath, I looked down... and there it was: 200.8lbs. That meant I could finally start writing. I had hit the goal I'd set, the reward being this blog.

       My weight and I have been in a constant dance, since I was very young. And I must admit, she was a dance partner I hadn't learned to get along with until very recently. She was large and clumsy, cripplingly self conscious, and she did not look the way I wanted her to in a swim suit; for all these reasons, and more to be discovered here, I resented her. She was the reason I got bullied, the reason I struggled with self confidence, and the reason I was single as a middle schooler (HA!).

Me on my 22nd birthday, weighing 160lbs.

      In the last few years, I've learned that the dance I found myself in was much more complex than I had ever imagined. Our dance was a waltz of emotional coping mechanisms, of self protection, of eating disorders, and of self abuse. After realizing this, in the midst of counseling (Thank you, Jeremy), I at last understood that I needed to address this head on, confronting all of the painful secrets and infected wounds I had been treating with late night brownies and pizza.

I lost 60lbs.

      In six months, I had lost 60lbs and had done so, as best as I could manage, in a healthy manner. Eating right and exercising, a Pinterest Board of motivational quotes, and literally running in the other direction when someone mentioned an "all you can eat" buffet. I kept strict logs of all my calories and my physical activities, and gave myself a reward every 10lbs, just to encourage myself to keep heading in the right direction.

      But then tragedy struck; tragedy which I'm sure will be covered here in time. I gained it all back. Well... most of it; I promised I would never weigh my heaviest again (222lbs), and when I gained the weight back, I hit 219lbs.  So that was something; a small victory I will hold onto. But despite that success, in the face of trauma and unpleasant emotion, I had lost track of the tempo and had again changed our dance into something terrible and self destructive.

I've lost 20lbs.

     After taking a few months to stabilize emotionally and mentally, I began trying once more to find the tempo of taking care of myself. And I think, very tenuously, that I have found it again. And that, dear reader, is why I'm writing to you now; because I need help keeping time.

    I've lost 20lbs, putting myself at 200lbs flat, and I am embarking now on a personal journey of health, self love, accountability, and the purging of negative energy and body shaming stigmas. The goal is 135lbs; a healthy weight for a woman of my height and build. And eventually we will reach it together, assuming anyone joins me on this page. But as is most of my writing, I think this blog too is for me.

 
         It's actually a super vulnerable thing, you know, talking about this so candidly with you. A complete stranger, or someone who knows me well, you might be seeing a side of me that's new and not very pretty. Frankly, I've spent a lifetime being secretive and ashamed of my eating habits, my body, and my weight. So in many ways writing this now is like standing before you naked. Turns out, I think naked looks good on me. And I will keep telling the world that until I believe it! Because the goal isn't to loose enough weight so that I can finally love myself, but to love myself now, as is, and to work for better.

 
           Anyway, that's long enough for a first post. Thanks for reading, and happy eating!