That B@$%ard in the Candy Cane Forest

     Did anyone else play that board game Candy Land? You had to draw cards and bring your little gingerbread people through all sorts of candy themed biospheres, meeting sugary characters, some of them more sketchy than others. While I've got your attention, I'd like to send a shout out to my girl, Queen Frostine, the baddest b*tch on the board.

Note the cold dead gaze. 

   All the characters were interesting, but there was one I will never forget and probably never forgive. That freaking Mr. Mint. You all know him! He was a tall, red and white striped creeper with dead eyes and he hung out in the Candy Cane Forest.
   The reason I hated Mr. Mint was because, when my family sat down to play, at least five times a game I would get to the Candy Cane Forest and then that sadist would send me back to the Sugar Plum Patch at the beginning of the board. It was like I had a target on my forehead and Mr. Mint had a peppermint sniper rifle.
     I used to have nightmares about this! Walking through the Candy Cane Forest, sneaking so that Mr. Mint couldn't find me, and then him appearing with his predatorial eyes...like a dolls eyes... and doing only God knows what...oh wait...I know what, SENDING ME BACK TO THE SUGAR PLUM PATCH!
    As you can tell I'm traumatized. I haven't played in a very long time. Maybe little me was a sore loser, or maybe my bitterness against him is a proper response to being systematically victimized by the Regina George of Candy Land. Who knows? But why do I bring this all up? What does this have to do with my weight loss journey? Well my friends,  I am ashamed to tell you I'm stuck in the Sugar Plum Patch.
     For whatever reason, I can't seem to stray very far from 200lbs without getting pulled back. I've been eating healthy and trying to get exercise as best I can while nursing injuries on my feet, but I'm just not moving. And I'm frustrated. I feel like I'm back playing Candy Land.
   This is dangerous for me. I'm not going to wave the flag of an eating disorder around because that is something very serious and I have not been diagnosed by a medical professional; but I do know that my relationship with eating, food, and calories is very strained. My tendency when I don't see the results I want is to go to extremes.
    I'm an all or nothing type of lady; so when I'm not watching my weight I don't limit myself at all. Cookie dough, pizza, and wine for dinner sounds good to me. I eat way too much, which is why I'm here. But that characteristic also applies to me when I'm watching what I eat. The temptation to eat very little or nothing at all is ever present and very strong. I once went a week without eating in college; there was a sick satisfaction I had because my depression had robbed me of my appetite. I would lose weight. My mom found this out, and showed up crying with a fully loaded Publix sub.  In addition to that, you all know I'm Christian. I've never participated in fasting because I knew it would become about starving myself instead of prayer and worship. Me and calories are weird and I'm not proud of it, as many young women as I've tried to mentor.
     So now that I'm stuck at this number, I am

fighting the temptation to run back to old habits. Habits of self punishment and of deprivation. It's scary and shameful. And I guess that's why I'm sharing. I need encouragement and accountability. Sometimes I wonder if this blog is good for me because there's a pressure to lose every week, or else what will you all think? But I only felt that way because I wasn't being completely vulnerable with you. This process is going to be hard and filled with many ups and downs. It's not easy for me. And you're allowed to know I'm not perfect. I don't know why I want to look like I have everything together when I don't, as though the world will fall apart if Kalie Hoke isn't the form of Perfection. I'm the first person to say there's beauty in chaos, but I can't seem to fully embrace that as it applies to me, or the idea of other people seeing me in that light even though I encourage them to see it in themselves.

   My head spins because sometimes loving yourself means eating more, but then the next day it means eating less. And how will I ever know the difference? When will I find my stride and get past the Candy Cane Forest? I'm not sure, but right now I'm taking tentative forward strides, blocking out voices from the past that encourage unhealthy habits in me. I have to learn moderation if I want to be well. And I do, I want to be healthy and do so in a healthy way. So here I am telling you all I'm not perfect but I am trying. And I hope, though it is not my ideal public persona, that it is encouraging to you all the same.
     So I guess in conclusion, I would ask you to pray for me. Pray that I can continue to reach my goals in a healthy and safe way. I would ask you to be gentle, but I think it is more a matter of me learning to be gentle with myself. Please keep reading and sending me love, because I admit that I am not always strong enough without it.
    And I would also say that if you believe you're struggling with an eating disorder, please seek help. On this road to health and weight loss, we can't leave each other behind and we can't leave ourselves behind. I want to see all of you in the Gum Drop Kingdom. For Help, Click Here.

   Thanks for reading and happy eating.